heirloom tomatoes

by jamilla vandyke-bailey

Mama?

Yes, Ava?

C-can we talk?

Ain’t that what we doing now?

Yes, but Mama. I mean talk talk.

Oh it’s that serious? What is it you got going on now?

I-I don’t want y-y-you—

Girl don’t start that stuttering stuff. It puts my nerves in a way. And you now I got bad nerves.

Yes, I know—

I thought putting down those Parliaments would help me lose some weight— Hell at least calm me. But no, now I’m still fat and got—

Mom. Please...

Mom please, what? Can’t you hear me talking?

Yes but—

Yes but, what? Oh I forgot, it’s the “Ava Show.” Everybody, everybody quiet down—it’s the “Ava Show.” Shhh. Ava has something to say, she wants to have a talk talk so everyone has to shut up and listen.

Mom, I didn’t—

No, no Mom nothing. I apologize for trying to talk to my own daughter. I must not have remembered it was the “Ava Show.” So go on. Speak and you better get it out I don’t have time to hear you fumbling over words.

Okay. I wanted to talk to you about something but you have to swear not to get upset with me.

Okay, Ava.

No Mom, please please please

Please what Ava? Damn!

Please let me get everything out and please just promise not to be mad at me. I—

Ava. Look at me. Are you pregnant? You betta—

Mom no. No. No. I’m not pregnant.

Oh alright good. Damn, next time start with that. Shit you know my nerves baby.

Mom—

Well girl go ahead and speak—what are you stalking for?

I’m not—Okay. Mom. Remember when you were at work last Sunday and you had called me and told me to throw something together real quick for dinner?

Yeah..

Okay, you remember. And do you remember the mess with the pot?

Yeah, that old pot you burned cause you forgot whatever it was you called yourself cooking on the stove too long. Yeah I remember. Ava is that what this is all about?

Well, kinda. I—

Ava baby, it is not that big a deal. I was pissed off and yelled and cussed at you but Charles was right. “Shit happens.”

Yeah. Well wait what?

Ava I’m not still mad about no damn burned pot. You cleaned up the mess and apologized it’s—

Mom it’s not about the pot or the mess. I lied about the pot and the mess and

What do you mean you

I didn’t forget the food on the stove. I didn’t fall asleep and not get up on time. That was a lie.

But wh

Mom please!

Ava baby, what’s going on? What’s wrong?

I watched the pot burning. I watched the fire eat up the sides and I heard the food boiling. It was like a scream, Ma, like a scream.

Bu—

A scream, Ma. Do you understand?

Ava, I—

I watched it and begged it to keep going. Keep burning. I wanted it to keep burning and burning until it burned over. Mama I wanted it to all burn over and come out.

Ava baby why?

Because it all has to come out, Ma. It all has to come out. And I was there under the floor and looking up at the stove and begging.

Why were you on

And usually I keep my eyes closed, you know? Usually I can’t keep them open when I’m like that. You know?

I

But this time I couldn’t stop looking at the fire and hearing the scream, the food was screaming. No food don’t scream. Not unless it’s dying someone was screaming.

Ava who was screaming?

I don’t know, I forgot. But I was there on the floor and looking and begging for the pot to boil and burn over itself, I wanted it to spill off onto him. Right onto his back, into his back. Into his neck hard and deep. He likes it hard and deep and I just

Ava

I just. I wanted it to burn him even if it burned me too.

Ava, I

I wanted it to burn him and I wanted it to burn me too. I wanted it to burn the house. Burn the whole house. Hard and deep into ash. And someone was screaming. Somewhere, I th-th-think.

Ava,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for having a stutter Ma. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I burned the pot but I—

Ava, I—

I wanted it to burn for it to stain the stove and floor and walls. You know. Burn and boil and scream and stain so loud. Someone was screaming. I think someone was screaming

I—

It was. Ma it was…

Ava it was me. The house was burning and boiling over. The food on the stove. I got home earlier than… I couldn’t see anything from the door. I could hear boom boom boom but soft like thud thud thud and something told me not to speak. Something told me… It’s something a mother knows especially when that mother was a girl and that girl knew how to boil and burn and

Mama you—

There she was, up under the man that I love and it took all of me not to

Mama you—

It took all of me not to beat her ass right there up under the man that I love. It was boiling and burning all over me and I knew I’d just hurt that woman under my man making him. Making him

Why didn’t

And I was just so mad, I had to— Ava I just had to leave. My man was up on top of some woman just boom boom boom. Thud thud thud and I just couldn’t stop the… I didn’t know what to do. I left.

You

I left and sat in the car, and asked god to help me forgive. To stop my skin from boiling and burning and to let me forgive her.

And he did. God in all his grace taught me how to forgive her. How to forgive you, the both of you. You’re just a girl, you don’t know, and he’s just a man and men do things. And he explained and he said and I don’t remember… was someone screaming? Who was screaming?

Ava?

Yes?

Sorry girl, I done got lost. What were you telling me? Something about that pot?

Yeah I’ll get you another one, Ma.

No, no baby you don’t have to. Charles bringing me one tonight, and guess what?

Hm?

He’s gonna cook us some catfish and grits girl and you know me. I love me some catfish and grits.

Okay, Mama.

Imma go upstairs and do some homework.

Alright Ava, I’ll call you down when dinner ready.

jamilla vandyke-bailey (@alli.maj) is a pro-black feminist poet and essayist. her poetry chapbook, “than we have been,” (Weasel Press, 2022) and her full-length book of poetry, “the womxn,” (Finishing Line Press, 2023) are currently available for purchase.